National Infertility Awareness Week

So I heard this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and of course I had to put my plug in about it. I love that more awareness is happening! The resolve.org website is pretty cool too, check it out!

If there were two things I hope would change in society from more infertility awareness, it would be these:

1. People realize it’s very personal to ask when you are going to have kids so they decide to ask something a bit less personal instead.
2. There would be more education about what is and what ISN’T normal during a woman’s menstrual cycle, then maybe those struggling with PCOS, Endometriosis, etc. would recognize the signs much earlier and be able to seek a diagnosis sooner.

Oh! One more:

3. Infertility treatments would be covered by insurance!

 

Please remember your loved ones who have struggled with fertility issues this week. If you have any questions for me, please ask in the comments and I would be happy to answer them on here the best I can. 🙂

It’s a…

….

Isn’t he cute?? I’m so sorry I didn’t post last week when we found out. It’s the end of the semester… 

I was shocked to find out it’s a boy, I really thought it was a girl!

I’m starting to feel better, still on diclegis for nausea and I’ve started getting headaches, but I have more energy so that is wonderful. 

Life has been overwhelming as I try to finish up this semester, balance work and an internship, and get ready for baby. I still meet people who say they are struggling with infertility and my heart goes out to them so much. It is such a hard journey! I hope that when the semester ends I can have more time to blog and offer some ideas on coping with infertility. 

Thanks for reading, I’ll end with a picture of me from a few days ago: 

20 1/2 weeks! (This was taken on Friday, my birthday!) 

Pregnancy so far.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted as often as I would like… I make plans to post, but then I fall asleep, for about three hours at a time. That’s one thing I’ve learned about pregnancy, you are ALWAYS tired.

I have felt somewhat guilty the last couple of months, because I know I should be extremely grateful for this little baby inside of me (and of course, I am), but I also feel exhausted, sick, and just not myself.

There have been some complications with this pregnancy… when I was just over 7 weeks along I started bleeding. This made me COMPLETELY freak out. I called the doctor and they said it’s really common to have inflammation bleeding from the Endometrin applicators (a pleasant progesterone suppository you take 3 times a day until 10 weeks along… so fun). I stopped using the applicators but had bleeding again a few days later. This time, we went in to the doctor and they found a subchorionic hemorrhage in my uterus. They assured me this doesn’t harm the baby at all, that it was more like a bruise or cut in my uterus that needed to heal. So, no exercise for a while and just “sort of bed rest.” It was odd and confusing because I didn’t really know what it was until my regular OB explained it to me at my 10 week appointment. She said it’s really more of a nuisance than anything because they have to check the bleeding each time to make sure it’s not a miscarriage.

So, basically… this added a lot to my stress levels. The hemorrhage is healed and I am back to exercising again (well… sort of).

Another complication? The hormone levels left me TOTALLY out wack mood wise and I felt depressed… which made me feel even more guilty because I knew I should have been bursting with joy because my first round of IVF worked!

Sooooo not the case with me. I felt numb, empty, and sad. I couldn’t explain why I felt that way, I just did. I learned about antenatal (prenatal) depression and how this is extremely common with mothers who go through fertility treatments. Something about the stress, worry, and anticipation from treatments that cause major mood shifts.

And then I saw this, and felt like a HORRIBLE person!

I am super curious about this, as I have never heard it talked about before. Have any of you experienced this?

I’ll go more into that later.

I am now 16 weeks and we find out the gender on April 14th! Woo hoo! I’ll try to keep posting updates until then. 🙂

 

Hello…

It’s me. I’ve been wondering if after all these weeks you’d like to meet… 
  
Our baby!!!! 

The in vitro worked (much to our shock and excitement) and we are so excited and freaked out that we are going to be parents in September! 

I am 14 weeks today (picture above is baby at 12 weeks and 2 days). Sickness? Yes, lots of it. Not to mention I’ve had a subchorionic hemorrhage so that’s been annoying, and a little terrifying. It’s been a rough couple of months so I’m hoping it gets easier soon. I will keep you updated on our progress! 

Why is Infertility So Hard?

I get asked this question a lot. Or I may get well meaning comments such as, “Why is it such a big deal if you can’t have a baby? You can just adopt.” Sure, I could adopt… but it’s not as simple as that.

To explain why my experience with infertility has been so hard, you need a little background on me.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS/Mormon). If you know anything about the LDS church you might know it’s very family oriented. There is a lot of emphasis on the importance of getting married and having a family. If you are a young woman growing up in the LDS church, you are taught about how one day you will meet your Prince Charming, get married in the temple, and have lots of babies. Not only will this happen, but this was THE plan Heavenly Father had in store for me, it was part of my divine power to procreate and be a mother. As a result, many LDS couples get married younger than others around the nation… and then we have babies before we turn 25!

As a teenager, I COMPLETELY embraced this idea. All I wanted was to find a man and be a mom. I had great youth leaders who really encouraged us to think about our futures, with a focus on going to college and finding a career we loved. I had a vague dream of becoming a therapist (ha), but I just wanted to be a mom.

I should say, I love my church and what I have been taught. However, I think it is important to teach girls about all the potential they have in life, not just to become a wife and mother. I think that part of the “church culture” indirectly teaches women they are worthwhile because they can bear children. At least, that is how I took it. I took something meant to be encouraging and warped it in my head… but I wouldn’t be surprised if I wasn’t the only one out there. Again, I completely believe this was unintentional, but maybe a new approach to teaching young women needs to be taken? Just a thought.

So, I found my Mr. and got married at 20 (I was almost 21!). I wanted to finish my degree, so we waited a few years to try to have kids. After about 4 years, we started trying.

But, it didn’t work. And it didn’t work again. And again. And again. And again. And again……….. and this process continues for a while.

What was WRONG with me?? I was trying to fulfill my destiny of becoming a mother… why wasn’t it working?? Since other women could get pregnant and I couldn’t, I MUST be doing something wrong. Of course, none of these feelings were true!

Infertility was a HUGE hit to my self-esteem. I thought of myself as a failure. I was a failure to God, my husband, and my family. I viewed myself as completely worthless because I was unable to have children. EVERYTHING I had planned for myself and my husband was suddenly slipping away and I had NO control over it. The loss of control is one of the scariest feelings ever.

Facing the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to start a family the “normal” way was extremely difficult for me. I didn’t want to let it go, or tell myself to let God take care it. Nope. I had ALWAYS planned on having babies and I couldn’t change my expectations. Sure, I could adopt, but would I get to have that unique experience of being pregnant and having a child created from me and my husband’s genes??

I think that is one of the hard parts of infertility… dealing with “unmet expectations,” realizing you may have to “adjust” your dreams a bit.  For some couples, this means adjusting your dreams a LOT. For some, maybe just a little. Either way, grieving the loss of one of your dreams is extremely painful.

Please, if you know anyone struggling with infertility, try not to tell them “you can just adopt” or “don’t worry, it will be fine!” Because it does not feel fine to us. Sometimes we just need someone to give us a hug and let us know it’s ok to feel sad.

 

 

Waiting

This is THE hardest part of the IVF process. At least, it is for me. Every little cramp or pain I have makes me worry my period is starting and sends me into crazed online searches to see how I can “up” my chances of a successful pregnancy.

As you can imagine, this only makes the worrying worse.

I’ve read all kind of things: eat pineapple core, eat ONLY cooked vegetables, drink room temperature water, DON’T use heating pads on your abdomen or your lower back (done this several times, when I read this one I FREAKED OUT), do acupuncture, DON’T get a massage within two weeks of your transfer… blah blah blah.

I have 2 DON’Ts to add:

DON’T look at cute baby stuff online:

These are from Cath Kidston, aren’t they adorable?? I want them!

 

DON’T search baby names (too much)

Bertha? Claxton? Dorcus? Seven? SEVEN?!?? What is the world coming to…? (sorry if you named your children any of these names)

 

DO:

Talk to supportive family and friends (especially your partner)

Eat healthy foods

“Treat yo self”

Read favorite books

Snuggle your dog

My favorite form of therapy, isn’t he cute?

Seek professional help if you think it could be good for you. Our society doesn’t train us to deal with our emotions in healthy ways. With a counselor you feel good about, you can literally change your life with the skills they teach you… so, there’s my endorsement for the social work profession. 🙂

Anyways, until next time!

Embryo Transfer

The embryo transfer went really well yesterday, and now I am just sitting at home letting the husband take care of me.

As I mentioned before, I was REALLY nervous about peeing everywhere because of my semi-full bladder. I was also concerned my bladder wouldn’t be full enough, so I over compensated a little bit.

But let me start at the beginning. First, we arrived at the clinic and I was told to take my Valium right away. Then we waited.

Our lovely doctor’s office

We are scared

The Valium didn’t make me sleepy, it just made everything around me seem extra funny.

When we got in, the doctor came in and showed us our little embryos: aren’t they cute?? We had 4 that kept growing since Saturday.

She said we were planning on transferring one of the embryos in the top left corner, and we were able to freeze two. The tiny one on the bottom left (“Tiny Tim”) didn’t make the final cut.

I told the doctor I was freaking out because I needed to pee SO BAD, so she let me go and empty my bladder “a little.” This was almost harder than just holding it all in.

After emptying a little… the nurse started the ultrasound and immediately said, “WHOA! Your bladder is WAY full… don’t pee on me,” as she backed away. The doctor told me I could go and empty it some more. So I did. Because I was undressed from the waist down they wrapped me in a sheet and I walked awkwardly down the hall in a toga dress…thing.

Then we FINALLY got started. The doctor inserts a catheter and is guided by ultrasound to place the embryo in the spot they think will be the best.

See the white line? That’s the catheter. And those big black holes on the left are my GIANT ovaries.

This little white spot in the middle shows where they transferred the embryo. Weird, right? Hopefully it implants!

 

And now I get to be a princess for 2 days. Yay!

The doctor said we should find out in a couple of weeks if we are pregnant or not. In the mean time, I’ll just try and keep myself busy!

I mentioned before that I am not going to post whether we are pregnant or not… I know… why blog about all of this and share with people if I’m NOT going to share the outcome?!? Don’t worry, I’ll share, but please give us some time… I’ll tell you in person if I feel so inclined. 😉

Thanks so much for all of your well wishes!

Self-Care During IVF

With the embryo transfer tomorrow, we are starting to get pretty nervous. Well, ok. We’ve been nervous for a while, but now we’re REALLY nervous. I also need to have a “semi-full” bladder for this procedure… I am SO scared I’m going to pee everywhere.

People have been asking me if I am excited about the possibility of being pregnant in a few weeks… but honestly, I’m so used to negative pregnancy tests it’s hard for me to believe that it will work the first time around. I try to be positive, but it’s really difficult sometimes.

My dear, sweet little therapist has told me the hardest part of IVF for many couples is the “waiting period” after the transfer, so I should think of ways to take care of myself during this time. My professors at school also tell us to remember “self-care” (gotta love Social Work professors) while we are stressed and going crazy, so I made my self-care plan for the 3 days I’m on bed rest and the couple of weeks we are waiting…

Here it goes!

Tomorrow:

1. Get a massage before embryo transfer (something I just BARELY found out you should be careful with, has anyone heard anything dangerous about getting a massage before the ET? AH!)
2. Embryo Transfer with Valium (need I say more?)
3. Nap
4. Eat
5. Let husband treat me like a princess 🙂

2 Days of Bed Rest

1. Netflix (Parks and Rec, Jane Austen movies, other British Shows…)
2. Harry Potter
3. Continue the princess treatment
4. Pretending to be in this place here:

mmmm so warm.

Afterwards:

1. Daily Meditations
2. Gentle Yoga and Physical Therapy for my knee
3. Make some word art with this quote: “The best way out is always through” – Robert Frost
4. Sleeping in
5. Reading Harry Potter (and other books on my list)
6. Have family pictures taken by a dear friend
7. Make yummy dinners to freeze before school starts again
8. Get together with friends 🙂

It’s nice because I have 2 weeks off of work (I work for the school system) so I will be able to relax!

Wish us luck tomorrow, we are nervous/excited/scared/nauseated/happy/terrified!

 

 

Quick update

So we are scheduled to do our embryo transfer on Monday, yay! The doctor’s office called and said that of our 14 eggs, 8 were mature, and 7 fertilized. They said that all 7 were still growing well so hopefully we will have some freezer babies! Wish us luck! 

Egg retrieval

Egg retrieval went well yesterday, the doctor said they got 14 eggs! They are supposed to call us today to let us know how many fertilized. 

I am at home in bed and it is wonderful, I will probably just sit and watch Netflix today (and see the new Star Wars movie). 

The mr. took some awkward photos of me  before and after, you can tell I really like anesthesia. 

   
Notice those handy Home Depot storage units behind me?? Very industrial chic if you ask me. 

 
Me trying really hard not to fall asleep yet. Do you like my feet just dangling off the table (and my socks??) I wasn’t gonna put my legs in the stirrups until I absolutely had to! 

Soon after this picture was taken the doctor came in and said, “hi! It’s so good to see you!” And then I don’t remember much else. 

After the retrieval, she spoke with us and said that even though we can only do a single embryo transfer because of insurance reasons, she felt we still had good chances of a successful pregnancy. Cross your fingers for us! 

Transfer is on Monday, more bed rest for me (come visit me, please)! 

No after pictures this time, it’s way too embarrassing to be shared over the World Wide Web.